chapter 15

enjoy :) ..

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Previously :

Zyad:" how about the movies .. "

Me:" movies r highly overrated .."

Zyad:" oh, i got the best place .. "

Me:" oh god, please dont tell me we're going to mars this time "

Zyad:" oh no! we're too good for mars , i have a better place :D"

- here we go - 

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June 20, 2011

We weren't  allowed to go anywhere today because i just came back from the hospital, and according to mom i had to rest, shes right, i do .. but every time i lay on my bed or the couch a feeling of depression runs through me ... i would miss Zyad. 

I dont know what has gotten into me, ive never been attached to someone that much, not even my own family members .. its very irrelevant for a person to get so close to someone they knew for a couple of weeks, yet i wasnt so .. surprised. Zyad had that attractive, desirable aspect in him that i hated and loved at the same time. I sometimes would have the sudden urge to slap the attractiveness out of him or tell him to stop being so beautiful! .. but of course i would never do that, hes too valuable and i would be a freaking idiot if i did do that. 

The rest of the day went by smoothly, i was literally laying on my bed the whole rest of the day listening to my ipod or talking to Zyad on the phone when he had a break from "Give a Heart". I disliked not doing anything, i practically hate my bed now. 

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June 25, 2011

5 boring days have passed and i finally was allowed out of my jail- like hotel room and out to get some fresh air, i wanted to walk, talk to people, breathe. I neglected my wheelchair and finally used my legs to go to a destination, my hands hurt from all the "wheeling" i had to do. 

My legs feel a little numb because of not using them for so long, yes 5 days are long, those 5 days were like 5 centuries in my calendar, those 5 days are the most hated 5 days of my life until chemo. 

oh, and that reminds me, i have another 5 days until my next appointment, which involves my first treatment of chemotherapy .. 

I went to the hotel's garden again, Zyad is gonna arrive in 10 minutes so we can go somewhere decent, hes been visiting me in my hotel room and he equally got bored of it, well he didnt say he got bored of it, he said that he couldnt wait till i can be fully rested and out and about, which also means "i cant wait till you get the hell out of this stinkin hotel room!" 

As i walk around i spot Lee with her husband, one of her hands was clutched on her husbands hand and the other hand holding a cane, she looked almost as if she was blind .. 

i walk towards her smiling, she didnt react, i looked into her eyes, she didnt react, her husband eyed me and didnt say a word, he too wanted to see if Lee would be able to respond or even feel that i was directly in front of her .. but she didn't .. until 

Lee: " George, is someone in front of me, i can feel someone blocking our way" 

- thank god .. -

Me: " Lee, its me Fay .. "

Lee: " Fay? oh sweetheart come here !"

- she widened her arms indicating for me to hug her, and i did. Her hug was still warm and fuzzy, but i could sense she was a bit weary .. 

Lee:  "i heard about your surgery five days ago! how are u feeling ?"

Me: " im good, how about you?  "

- and i cursed myself the minute that came out of my mouth, but i had to ask, its rude not to -

Lee: " staying strong bud" 

Me :" arnt we all ? "

Lee: " thats probably the best thing to do now .. "

- im use to her looking me in the eyes, knowing exactly how i feel , i get a feeling she can see into peoples souls, or that she has a six sense that she can read people's minds just by looking them in the eyes .. and i instantly feel bad, because if she had that gift, its no use anymore. - 

Me: " Lee? "

Lee: " sweetheart, i can still see you .. in my head .. "

- how the hell ...  -

Me: " i know you can, but how did ..  "

- and as if on "cue", zyad arrived -

Zyad: " helloooo "

Lee and I: " hey "

Zyad: " hey Lee! looking beautiful as always "

Lee: " oh please! .. well maybe i do look good most of the time ;) "

Zyad:  " confidence is always the key " 

Lee: " it is "

- and thats the last thing she says before her departure -

Zyad: " so watcha wanna do ? "

Me: " can we go to "Give a Heart" , i miss the kids over there "

Zyad: " sure, they miss u over there too, they keep asking me when your coming to visit them "

Me:  "well then, lets surprise them :) "

We went inside the hospital and into the elevator, pressed the elevator button and as soon as the button turned red my excitement went form 8 to 100 instantly.

We stepped out side the elevator, went to the hall and to there play area, as soon as the kids saw us, they leaped towards me and hugged me. i did my best to hug every single one of them separately. 

Jason(one of the young patients): " we missed you fay"

Fay: " i missed u guys wayyy more! "

- I looked to watch the other kids when one girl caught my attention, she had the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen, they were so blue i almost thought i can swim in them, her face was as beautiful as her eyes, freckles underneath her eyes made her look unique as well. She had a birth mark on her arm just like the one i have on my back. I looked closer, and when i did i realized something .. she was wearing a wig made up of my hair .. the hair i donated, i knew it was mine because the girl that shaved my hair sent me the picture of the wig. At that moment, i felt like i really did something, like i made a child happy, really happy ... 

The girl was showing off her hair to her friends, her exuberant expression made me tear up, i cant imagine the joy in her. .. -

Zyad : " fay whats wrong? " 

Me: " nothing is wrong "

- and nothing is wrong .. -

Zyad: " then why are you crying ?! "

- i looked at where the girl was playing and he looked at the same direction  -

Zyad: " I think her name is Epiphany .. im not sure, she has lymphoma, a very bad case of it .. "

- and now the tears really started to well up -

Zyad:  " fay stop crying, its ok, look shes happy , nothing to worry about, please stop crying fay, do you want to go, its ok, we can come another time, they will understand .. "

Me: " its not that .. "

Zyad: " than what? "

Me: " she's .. shes .. "

- i wasnt able to continue what i was going to say because the girl whos name was " Epiphany" came to me running and before i knew it she was hugging my legs .. -

Me:" hi .. "

- i tried my best to pull myself together, not wanting to scare her off -

Epiphany:" umm hii, my name is Epiphany .. i .. they told me you shaved your hair for me .. "

Me: " yea... umm yes i did, all for u  "

Epiphany: " thank you "

Me: " oh honey ur worth more than just a wig .. "

Epiphany: " but it makes me happy .. of course its worth it, u changed everything .. "

Me :" and i could say the same for u "

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I hope u guys enjoyed this post, i know its not long but im too tired to right any longer, my eyes are barely open, but hopefully ull like it and please tell me what u think !

>> ask.fm/epiphany88

>> @epiphanyblogger 

Chapter 14

Hey guys! im so incredibly sorry i took so long on writing this post, but my studies were piling up and i had to catch up on them. i understand that blogging is one of my top priorities but my studies have to come before it, anyways i hope u guys enjoys this post and please please comment or ask on my ask account
www.ask.fm/epiphany88

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Previously:


- i dont know what to say, im so shy .. im such an idiot! -

Me: " i .. "

Zyad:  " please .. just say it one more time.. "


Me: " ..."

---------

The reason its so hard to say "i love you" the second time is because i actually heard myself say it to him before...

i need to make sure i mean it, i need to make sure he means it. I dont want to be heartbroken, and i dont want to break his heart either ... ive disappointed many people in my life, and i certainly dont want to disappoint Zyad .. 

I do love him, i really do .. but is this so called love going to fade or stay with us forever, is it going to shield us from every negative thing thats going to come our way? is it strong enough?

this is risky ... but life is all about taking risks, right?

 - i took a deep breath .. -

Me: " i love you."

- a smile formed in his beautiful face, a smile that made me realize everything is going to be ok, that smile made me think of all the good times we had and we will have, that smile was my future, my forever. And thats why im glad i said "it" one more time. -

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June 20, 2011 (one day later)


My mom and zyad were helping me out the hospital bed, where my dad was talking to the doctor and my sis is gathering all my worn clothes.

Me: " i cant stand, ta3bana .. "

- i know im whining , but i cant help it, it hurts .. everywhere ... -

Mom: " 5a6wa wa7da yuma bes 5a6wa oo teg3deen bil wheelchair .. "

Zyad:  " ka yebt ilwheelchair .. "

- i sat down slowly , afraid i might break something in my body, since zyad and my mom were holding me like im made of glass,  i started to feel like i really am made of glass .. -

Doctor:" good morning fay, hope u fell better ?"

Me: " awesome .. "

Doctor: " love the enthusiasm! so .. here are the pain killers u can have for the pain , once a day fay, NOT more .. "

Me:  "ok"

Doctor: " i know ur a bet cranky and i dont blame u, but u have to lighten up a bit sweetheart! u have an amazing support system around u "

Me:  " i do .. "

-  i look at my family and zyad, and feel so selfish and mean inside .. ive seen kids who have cancer, who r dying that are orphans .. i should thank god that i really do have an amazing support system and an amazing family .. i really am blind -

Me:  " im sorry .. ive been blind "

Zyad: " no u havent ! "

Dad: " yuba, 7abeebty, 6abee3y 2tkuneen chethy.. lat tet2asfane 3ala shay intay ma 3endich ta7kom fee "

- but i can control of it dad, i just don't want to -

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We arrived at the hotel at the afternoon after i went through some check ups .. we went to lunch and invited zyad with us. Dad started asking zyad a few questions ... i mean a few annoying , "its not ur business" questions, but zyad answered them with every ounce of respect and delight. and i was sitting there ready to bolt out of my seat.
After lunch i asked zyad if he could take me to the garden, and honestly my family looked so tired they can barely keep there eyes open, so i wanted to give them a little break .. 

Zyad: " do u want to sit on the bench? "

Me: " is it comfy ?"

Zyad: " comfy ba3ad walaay .. tabeen ayeeblich mu5ada 2anesa fay "

- i knew u was teasing me, and i secretly liked it -

Me : (-.-)

Zyad: "  ughh, yes its comfy, just please dont look at me with that face, it makes it so hard for me not to kiss you .. "

- why does he have to say these things! they r utterly unnecessary and they make me blush! i dont like blushing .. -

Me:  " shut up "

- he smiled his quirky, irresistible smile that sometimes i just want to rip out of his face and held one of his hands in mine and the other around my waist so i can keep my balance, but when i got up i felt a little dizzy -

Zyad:  " r u ok? "

Me:  " yea, i just feel a bit dizzy .. "

Zyad:  "thats because u stood up fast .. so sit down slowly.."

- i sat down on the worm bench slooowwly, and i felt surprisingly better .. -

Zyad:" better?"

Me:" yup"

- after we sat down comfortably on the bench, i rested my head on zyad's shoulder and linked my arm into his -

Zyad:" comfy "

Me: " mmhmm"

Zyad: " fay?"

Me:" why do u always start a question while referring to my name first ? .."

Zyad: " because i love ur name and i like saying it , but if u prefer i call u ... Bob, i would be happy to"

Me:" no, i do not prefer bob .. Earl "

Zyad:" i like the name Earl .. "

Me:" no u don't!"

Zyad:" no i dont .. "

- we laughed for a while, laughing not because of what we said, but how stupid our conversations r, but then i stopped .. our stupid conversations r probably the best conversations i have ever had with anyone .. -

Me:" lets go somewhere .. "

Zyad:" how about the movies .. "

Me:" movies r highly overrated .."

Zyad:" oh, i got the best place .. "

Me:" oh god, please dont tell me we're going to mars this time "

Zyad:" oh no! we're too good for mars , i have a better place :D"

- here we go - 

Chapter 13

- Two days later .. June 19, 2011 -


Today was the day of my surgery, the day I've been dreading since the moment i got here..
my family tried there best to make me forget about the whole thing, even inviting zyad and his parents, and even Lee and her husband for dinner last night. honestly, i did have fun, seeing the people i love together, but i couldnt keep my mind off of the surgery that im gonna go through the next day. Zyad and i talked the whole day, played games, did everything, but he still was no use.

- 9:00 am -

An hour before my surgery, my eyes didnt leave the clock's sight, they were glued to it.. my hands were shaking, i didnt know if it was form the shot they gave me or my fear of going under the knife ..
my parents including my sister were praying for me and reading the Qu'ran from yesterday, actually form the start of the trip, i was praying too trying to calm myself down.
Oh, and if u were wondering, yes i am on the hospital bed waiting for the time to come for my surgery, ive been waiting for 2 hours now because the doctors wanted to take a few test and mark my head to see where theyre gonna do the surgery and stuff .. a woman came with a shaving tool in between her hands thinking shes going to shave my head, but what she doesnt know is that its already done. When my family saw my hairless head their faces were priceless, yes i laughed, i didnt think it was a big deal. My mom and sis started crying, but my dad kept quiet. And thats when i stopped laughing .. it wasnt funny by the end ..

- 9:30 am -

the door opened slightly, i thought it was time, i thought it was the doctor but when the person on the outside peeked, i was relieved to see Zyad, my heart started to beet at its normal pace again.

Zyad(and his parents) : "isalam 3alikom"

All: " wa3alaikom ilsalam"

Zyad's mom: " ha fay shlonich ?"

Me:  "ib5air il7emdilla"

Zyad's dad:  " tara lat 5afeen , sahalat inshalla, a9lan mara7 it7eseen ib ayy shay "

- i smiled, i didnt know what to say, i know that he knows im scared and that nothing he would say would make my fear go away, zyad sat next me and we started talking about how everyone in "give a heart" missed me and wished me the best -

Me:  " they're awesome over there"

- i dont know why i felt tired all of a sudden, maybe because im over whelmed or something, or just exhausted, but i still had to be positive, everything is going to be ok inshalla -

Zyad:  " they r, kelhom mishtageenlich "

Me:  " zyad .. " (in a low voice)

Zyad:  " hmm" ( in a low voice as well )

Me:  " im scared "

Zyad: " there's nothing to be scared of .. ur in good hands "

Me:  " its not that "

Zyad: " 3ayal shnu "

Me:  " itha allah ghathib 3alay , what if i dont wake up after my surgery .. "

- i know u think im ridiculous, but if u were in my shoes ( allah lay goolah) this idea would be nothing compared to what would be going through ur head, i was scared ok ! my head wasn't with me at that moment, i was blabbering non sense -

Zyad:  " dont say that!   U R GOING TO BE OK "

Me:  " ok"

- its like hes reassuring himself in a way -

Zyad:  " ur making me and u nervous and scared  "

Me:  " why am i making U nervous AND scared ?! "

Zyad:  " because .. "

Me:  " because what? "

Zyad: " because i love u "

Doctor:  "ok fay, its time"

-....-

Doctor:  "fay?"

Me:  " hmm, yea .. yea i am "

- i looked at zyad one more time.. he looked at me with those eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that makes ur whole world spin a thousand spins, at that moment, at that last second for some weird reason, i didnt feel scared anymore
... so i took his hand and whispered in his left ear .. -

" i love u too "

- and off i went -


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- 6hrs later -

(Zyad)

I didnt stand still the whole time, i looked at the clock every few seconds, i didnt eat, i didnt go to "Give a heart", i just waited impatiently, waited for the doctor to come out of that door to tell us that everything is ok, and that fay is out of the surgery room better than ever .
I cannot believe i told her i loved her, like really loved her, and she knew exactly how i felt, and the best part is that she loves me BACK. when she told me she loved me, i felt like i was over the moon! but the whole thing ended when i saw her being taken away from me to go through her surgery, the scene turned from love and romance to terror and horror ..

Me:  " uma ba3ad cham sa3a ? "

Mom: " ma buga shay 7abeeby"

- that was her answer every time i ask her how many hours r left, and i kept asking her because i wanted to hear that answer .. i wanted it to be " ma buga shay" not "la baaayyy lail7leen buga wayed "-

- but suddenly the door opened and everyone stood up, it was the doctor -

Fay's dad:  " doctor! "

Doctor: " hello everyone, umm the surgery took longer that it had to .. "

- ughhhh! i hate when they do that! just cut to the chase dude -

Doctor: " and it had some difficulties "

- r u kidding me !! yalla ya baba 5ale9naa! -

Doctor: "but thank god, the surgery went well, the tumor is out, and she is waiting for u in her room :) "

- finally !!!! i didnt realize that i was running until a nurse called out telling me to slow down! -

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(Fay)

i opened my eyes to see bright light burning my eyes, i felt like i was flouting in thin air, that i was on my way to cloud 9 .. i was so knocked out that i thought i was dead until i heard the doctor call my name ..  i didnt bother to respond because he saw me open my eyes a little wider, it hurt. i felt a pinch on my wrist and i saw that they were putting a large needle inside my vain, is that all i have to go through now? needles , medicine, crying, depression .. but then i remember zyad and everything, it was like a memory stick just got plugged inside my head .. thats when i got relieved.

it didnt take me long to realize that i had the urge to throw up ..

Me: " i feel sick" (very low  voice)

Doctor: " yes fay? "

Me: " i feel sick"

Doctor:  " oh! get me a plastic bag, a bucket .. anything quick!! everything is gonna be alright fay. ... here u go"

- after throwing up for what seemed like forever, i felt so light headed, i literally felt like a feather; light, quiet.

Me: " i want to see my family, where is my family? "

Doctor: " there going to be here in a minute, ill call them"

- i didnt know if i smiled or winced, i had no control over anything in my body, and i didnt care. I just wanted to sleep -

Mom:  " 7abeebty! benty! yuma shlonich, shet7eseen fee ? ta3bana? tabeen may? fe shay emthaygich?"

- whats annoying me right now is u mom -

Me: " shhhhhhhh"

- everyone paused and stared at me because of what i just did, do u blame me? i didnt have the strength to even talk, thats the best i can do to get them to SHUT THERE MOUTHS -

Buzyad: " 5an 5ali fay shwaya terta7 ..  zyad 7abeeby yeeb 7ag fay may "

Me:  " la 3ady 3ami .. "

Buzyad : " intay ma tegdreen tet7achane shlone ma tabeen may .. roo7 zyad oo yeeb gla9ane mu bes wa7ed "

Me: " mashkoor"

Mom:" uboch ra7 2yeeblich 2hdume 7ag bacher lama te6le3een .. "

Me: " bacher?! "

Mom:" ildoctor gal bes youm 2tnameen bel musteshfa, bes 3ady yabaw kil shay ib ghurfatna "

Me:  " inzain"

- one day! r they serious?! bil kuwait ilnas 2enamoon isboo3 bilmusteshfa bes 7ag duda ilzayda oo ana youm! -

Zyad:  "hatha il may .. "

- i tried reaching out but my body was too weak and i couldnt move my hands from that stupid drip thing -

Me: " yuma .. 3ady .. itsher .."

Zyad: " laa 3ady ana .. asharbech .. itha tabeen? "

- what is he doing ?! not infront of them! but it is really charming .. -

Me: " ok .. "

Mom: " ana baroo7 ashoof uboch a5af yab 2hdum i5tech bedal 2hdumich"

Sarah(sister): " oo ana baroo7 ashoof itha swolich akil .. "

omzyad:  "ana ayy weyach"

buzyad:  "oo ana ba3ad"

- seriously, everyone is leaving? great now im alone with zyad, thats just wonderful -.- -

Zyad: " u look beautiful"

Me:  " sarcasm is just what i need right now .. "

Zyad:  " u do look beautiful "

Me:  " i just got out of a surgery, i look like a total mess "

Zyad:  " no u dont "

- he started looking at me with those eyes again!! i just wanted to tell him to stop it but i can't! UGH! he always make me so self-conscious! mako ra7ma! -

Me: " stop!" (while covering m face)

Zyad: " fay .. "

Me:  "hmm "

Zyad:  "do u really love me? "

Me : " .. do u?

Zyad:  "always have .. "

Me:  " ... "

- i dont know what to say, im so shy .. im such an idiot! -

Me: " i .. "

Zyad:  " please .. just say it one more time .. "


Me: " ..."