chapter 7

Friday June 14, 2011

6:30 am

Today was the day of pure exhaustion. my schedule was full of appointments, tests, everything ...

we all woke up early to eat breakfast so we can go do all my tests on time.. the first test was fine, all the necessary crap .. and then came the blood test, which disgusted me, after that was the MRI thing ...
they scanned my head, it was kind of hot, they also stuck me with more needles, but i stayed strong the whole way, plus my family "ma ga9eraw", they were by my side the whole time, my mom held my hand in all my tests, and when she felt i was afraid, but it was pretty obvious since my hand was shaking the entire time ..

believe or not we finished all my tests at 2 pm! time flies so fast ...
our last appointment was with my doctor,  he came in, full head of white hair, a white beard, and a friendly face.

Doctor : "well hello everyone, my name is Dr. Andrew Fisher (the name is made up) , and im going to be fay's doctor for the time being :) "

- we all said hello, and he started asking me some questions -

Doctor: " so fay, have u felt some pain, dizziness, or did something happen that made u realize there is something wrong ? "

Me :" no, umm i dont know ... i think i felt something was going to happen to me ... but i didnt feel any pain, nothing that indicated there was something wrong with me .. "

- its true, i didnt feel anything, but i knew something was going to happen , i knew -

Doctor: " oh, well, dont worry it happens .. "

- he started asking me more questions, if i had any kind of allergie, if i had a disease, or a sickness. he also started to touch my head, showed me some pictures of different stages of cancer ... -

Doctor: " so, the results r going to be done in a about 3 days, and we already made the appointment, and i also wanted to add that nothing is 100% sure yet, so dont worry that much.. ok? ... "


we thanked him, and said our goodbyes ..
when we were walking on the bridge on our way to the hotel, my mom told me something that did not only surprise me, but actually made me stop in my tracks

Me: "  WHAT?! "

Mom: " u didn't show any emotions from the first day all this happened, im getting worried. this has helped many people who went through this ... path ... '

Me: " but we r not sure if i have cancer or not! "

Dad: " 7abeebty, going to a psychiatrist isnt a bad thing ! "

Me: "  i didnt say its a bad thing, i just dont think its necessary "

Mom :" can u just try it out for me ? .. "

Me: " fine "


anyways, that was the least of my worries, but what im "really" worried about is if my  therapy appointments r at the same time as my part-time job. yes, i signed up for "give a heart". its an amazing organization, and i need some good deeds, this is gonna be good for me ...

i finished eating lunch with my family when it was almost 3, and i was going to be late for my first day!
so, i excused myself, and i was on my way to the hospital again, it was a 5 min walk and i went on the elevator so i didnt take long...

when i reached the 9th floor, i walked out of the elevator to see walls cover with beautiful, colorful butterflies, cartoon characters, white clouds, and they even have a wall that was painted by the kids there ..

i was looking for the supervisor, or the person whos responsible for the organization ..
there was a woman that had a red shirt that said "give a heart" at the back and a name tag, all the people working there had blue shirts, so i figured she was the one.

Me: " umm, hi, i just signed up .. and i .. um .. "

- i ... didnt know what to say -

the girl : " oh hiiiii, my name is maggie, and im the supervisor here, i checked the list yesterday, u must be fay .. right ?"

Me : " yea .. "

Maggie :" so, where r u from, there r many international people here so .. "

Me : " im form kuwait "

Maggie : " oh cool! there is one member here whos kuwaiti, u should meet him! "

- him .. wait, i didnt see any kuwaiti families here  .. -

Me : "  oh "

Maggie : " so here's ur shirt, with ur name tag "

Me :" thanks :) "

Maggie : " ohh here he is ! Zyad! come meet our new member ! "

  Me : " umm no its ok "

- oh my god, this is gonna be embarrassing -

Maggie : " zyad, this is fay, fay, this is zyad "

- zyad, believe it or not looked like a typical kuwaiti guy, he looked like he was 17 or so, he had that thin but a bit muscular kuwaiti body, very tall, short brown hair , ok, he was handsome... but, his eyes, his eyes were these hazeli brown eyes, but it had something inside them, something mysterious .. -

Zyad : " hii "

- he seemed friendly, yet , he just said hii .. -

Fay : " hey " 

Maggie: " well, ill keep u guys, zyad do u mind showing fay around, sorry fay but i have a lot on my plate ;( "

- no, no  no no! dont go please !!! -

Me: " yea, its ok, ill be fine :) "

Zyad: yeah, dont worry, ill take care of her ;) "

- seriously -.- - 

Me : " :) "

Zyad :" awel mara ashoof wa7da kuwaitya ihny "

Me: " ana awel mara ashoof wa7ed kuwaiti, bes this is the second day faa ... "

Zyad : " ohh this is ur second day?  .. "

 zyad showed me around, i met most of the kids there, i tried not to get emotional, i haven't showed any the whole trip, and im not planning to show any now, the kids there were just amazing.. and thats an understatement, they entertained themselves by the smallest things, no complaining, no whining ..
i met a boy, he was 10 and his mom died the second day they new he had cancer, when he looked at me, he said a couple of word that just made me sink .. they just killed me

the 10 year old boy : " u have no idea how lucky u are "

- those words just made a huge whole inside my heart, i couldnt help myself, i didn't care if there were people here, i dont care if zyad was staring at me, i just went to a corner, and just let it all out , i let everything out,  i cried and cried .. -

Zyad : " its ok fay, its ok  ... "

- i cant belive im crying in front of a complete stranger, but in this moment part of me doesn't care -

Me: " u dont understand!! "

Zyad : " yes, i actually do "

- i looked at him, nose red, eyes filled with tears - 

Me: " how ? "

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finally i got to finish chapter 7!!!!! i hope u guys enjoy it and please tell me what u think :*

>> @epiphanyblogger

>> ask.fm/epiphany88

Chapter 6

i just wanted to say thank u guys for all the views and comments I've been having, and i also wanted to say that there is really a cancer hospital in texas where "fay" is going, so the destination or place is true, (the hospital is named MD Anderson Cancer Center ) to be specific ;)

this post is to help u understand where fay is going, and what she's thinking about the place, just for u to visualize where she is. and I'm going to post some pics of the hotel and hospital for u to see :)

oh, and i also wanted to say, that i met many people when i opened my blog, and during the process of my blog, and I'm so honored that i did, i love meeting new people, and this blog made me do things that i actually dreamed of doing.
i met this girl, u can call her a close friend, almost the first day i opened my blog we've known each other, the reason I'm saying this is because opening this blog didn't allow me to write me heart out, and follow my dream, but also made me meet people that actually helped me with the process of writing, these people drive me to write ..

sooo this post goes to @Reem_48  for being by my side from day 1, and being a friend . u r beautiful ..
and to all the supporters out there ! thank u !!!

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After hours and hours of doing absolutely nothing we finally landed in texas.
my dad told be everything i had to know on where were going and staying, so i won't ask a zillion questions, which i do most of the time.
my family and i r staying in this hotel where its actually stuck to the hospital ill be going to, by a bridge. and all the guests in our hotel r either cancer patents, or people with cancer patents, like family of friends. so no one is allowed in the hotel only if ur a cancer patent or a "murafe8a" ... get it?
as soon as my dad told me that, to tell u the truth i thought it would be kind of depressing, since where I'm going is a huge place for cancer research blah blah. our hotel is actually very far from everything, like malls, except for a little grocery stores and boutiques, so thats where i got scared, i mean, is my whole trip here going to be like this? not a little fun at least .. i know i didn't come here for fun, i know, but isn't there something i could do? but i haven't seen anything yet, have i?

the whole ride took us almost half an hour, but as soon as i saw a big sign in a huge glass building that said "MD Anderson CANCER Center" i knew we arrived, i don't know how to explain how i felt when i saw the sign, my heart sank deep inside my stomach, i was shaking, but i didn't want my family to see that I'm scared, i wanted them to see that I'm strong, and I'm not afraid of anything ..
there was a road between our hotel and hospital, so when we arrived in front of our HUGE hotel minutes later i saw another sign that said " Jesse H. Jones Rotary House International " , yup thats our hotel ..
Some guys came and took our bags, they were so nice, actually everyone i met lately was nice.
i went inside the glass doors to see the reception on my right, a huge lobby in front of me, and behind it was a beautiful big, breath taking garden, in was in the afternoon so i could see it perfectly. it had trees that covered some of the sunlight on top, gorgeous fountains, colorful flowers that just made the whole place shine, some seating areas .. it was, to me. magical.
i looked around and saw people playing board games, laughing, walking around, it was very .. peaceful.
not depressing at all, the place was filled with light because in front of them was the garden, between them gigantic glass windows, so everything is lit up by the sunshine.

we went to the reception to check in, a women came and gave us a worm smile indicating that she can assist us. i saw her name tag, it said jessie, pretty name ..

Jessie: " how may i help y'all "

My dad: " hello, where're here to check in please "

Jessie :" well hello and welcome to Rotary House ( huge smile ), we r so happy u can join us! I'm Jessie  .. .. "

- she was really enthusiastic and kind, i have never seen people soooooo nice before, i mean don't get me wrong, there r nice people back in kuwait, but here, its in a whole other level , maybe because it had to do with "where i am"...  Jessie and my dad started talking, and u know checking in and stuff .. my dad started to ask about the hotel, and everything -

Jessie : " well, as u can see MD Anderson and us "rotary house " r in a whole separate block than other locations, our block is called the medical block, because its surrounded my universities and hospitals .. our hotel has a bus, it can take u to different places that r near us, like some grocery stores, Barnes and Noble (bookstore),  small boutiques, ohhhh and we have a very nice place called the "rice village" it has all sorts of stores there too. "

- and she kept talking and talking in her "southern accent "  .. -

Dad: " and do u have any malls , restaurants ? "

Jessie :" yes of course, but u have to got to a taxi because its a 15 to 30 min drive if u want to go to, like, big malls and those sort of things, they're not toooo far, but as i said we r a "little" far form everyone else hahaha, our bus can't go to these types of places sorry, but we have a mall 30 min from here called the Galleria, its huge, very popular, u can go by taxi as i said ...... .. "

- and she kept talking, and talking ... -

Dad: " ohh ok, well thanks for ur help "

Jessie :" oh of course sir! if u have any questions or any help y'all can come straight here! i hope y'all have a wonderful stay! and hope y'all the best :) "


as soon as she finished we went to our room, we took a suit for all of us, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, a small kitchen and living room, it was cozy ..
i felt suffocated a bit for some reason, i just couldn't breathe, maybe overwhelmed, so i told my parents that I'm going downstair for some air, maybe visit the garden ..
as i went to the elevator, there was a cute couple, around the age of 60 maybe, they smiled at me, and i smiled back. everyone here, strangers, friends, they talk to u, smile at u, wave at u, like they have known u forever, its just a great feeling knowing that u can talk to a complete "stranger", someone u barely know, and there wouldn't be a problem, actually they seem happy talking to people they don't know..

women in the elevator : " its so hot in here isn't it ! "

- was she talking to me? i don't know .. -

Me :" yea .. " ( a low voice )

Women :" ur a shy young lady arnt u " ( and she winked )

Me : ( smiles )

Women :" whats ur name darlin "

Me :" fay .. " (smiling shyly )

Women : " well, nice to meet u fay, what a beautiful name, how old r u ? "

- call me paranoid, but if i was in kuwait, id be dialing my dads phone number by now, telling him a women wanted to kidnap me , but here, here is different -

Me:" im 15 going on 16 in a month .... whats ur name? "

- i cannot believe i just asked her her name! i would never have done that back in q8, not that I'm shy, i just don't know how to start a conversation, that wasn't me .. wow .. -

Women : " wow 15, difficult age huh .. my name is Lee Anne , but u can call me Lee if u want "

Me :" its ok if i call u Lee ? " (confused tone )

- of course u can u idiot, she just said so!! UGH I'm so stupid! -

Lee: " of course hun, were all a family around here, u can call me anything, plus i haven't seen girls ur age around here ..  "

- right now, i don't want the conversation to end, it was so ... refreshing for some reason ... -

the door opened, meaning we were at the lobby. we said our goodbyes and we went our separate ways, i don't know why, but i feel a sudden happiness, and security .. the conversation i had with Lee was a 5 min convo, and i felt like we've known each other forever,  .. i just feel like where're friends now ..

 i walked around, admiring the peaceful faces around me, half of the people that smiled at me and said hello, were sick, and probably dying, but they still had the strength to say hello, to smile at me .. that takes a lot from a  person, a lot ..
when i found out that i was sick, i hated every human being i laid eyes on .. but these people, they were happy, happy to be here with the people they love, happy they're alive . i wish i was like that ..

i looked around to find a couple of agendas on the walls, so out of curiosity i looked at one.

Sunday: karaoke
Monday: movie night (titanic!)
Tuesday: make up day for the ladies!!
Wednesday: ice-cream day
Thursday: bingo day
Friday: picnic day
Saturday: "wear ur favorite shirt" day

tacky, but nice ... its was beautiful how the hotel was doing everything they can to make this place a home, to make some activities. just trying, it was enough.

i walked around even more, forgetting that i wanted to go to the garden, when i saw another peice of paper, it said " to give a heart ", it was kind of a part-time job where u entertain the young cancer patents, the ones that need help the most. most of the children were orphans, so they didnt have much people to visit them, or play with them.
my heart acked for them...

but suddenly, i got an "epiphany", i realized that those children dont have anyone to care for them, they dont have any relations to anyone in the world they know, but i guarantee they "feel" happier than i try to be, thats something i had to realize a long, long time ago ..

i took another look at the paper, it said from 15 and above ... hmmm


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hotel entrance

entrance (inside the hotel)

the hotel

the bridge that connects the hotel to the hospital

the hospital (one of many)

                                               




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hope u guys enjoyed it! i know, i know, boring.. but there is more to come!! i promise !

>> @epiphanyblogger

>> ask.fm/epiphany88

Chapter 5

Wednesday june 12, 2011

half of my body is still numb from the news, its been 2 weeks since i found out and it still didn't sink in completely.
my mom called all my relatives and close ones to tell them the news after i told her not to, i don't want people to know i have cancer, why the sadness. they probably have enough to worry about, plus i think they don't have any business knowing these things. but my mother insisted that we should spread the news for them to "pray" for me and let them know why we may be gone for a while. the other reason i don't want them to know is because they're gonna make a big fuss, i don't want to here "ur gonna be ok"  "its gonna be fine" or " ur so young! ", which i heard and still hear all the time, .. they say these things like they know .. i don't mind people saying that I'm gonna be ok, i mind people when they say it and they don't mean it. they say it like I'm gonna die, like its the end of the world...
i had to answer the same questions 500 times... my age, what type of cancer i have, blah blah .. they also ask my family to make sure all they're "info" was correct, nosy people ..

u see i just figured it out, when these types of things happen to people, it doesn't only happen to the person who has it, it also happens to the people around him or her who care, like family. this "thing" is affecting my whole family. my sister is acting "weird" somewhat "nice" to me. my dad stopped going to the office and stopped attending meetings to stay with me, my mom is just worried sick, i never saw this shaken.
this is all new to me, i don't know how to handle it. its like my whole life is just spiraled into something completely different, its getting crazier by the minute.
i sometimes feel sick inside, not only knowing that i have cancer, but not knowing i had it for a while as well, or that it happen this fast. certain things happen to people without them knowing it. anything can happen in a blink of an eye. 2 week ago the minute before i fainted i was going to lay on my bed, read a book, i didn't know i was going to faint, i didn't know this was going to happen to me at all. this just ... surprised me.
these things that I'm saying to myself r nothing compared to the thoughts that r scrambled inside my head. I'm reaching a point where i don't know what I'm thinking or where my thoughts will take me , sometimes i feel empty but full ... tired but still awake... and  alive but feeling dead.


Believe it or not i called my so called "friends", expecting some sympathy from them, expecting them to make me forget about my troubles for a while, but no, they're just a bunch of low-life egotistical, self-centered b*tches ..

i called saja's mobile, i knew they were all at her house, it was exam week and she always tutors them, except me, i don't like her teaching habits, plus my school thought i was going to die so they made me skip exams, and gave me my final report card without my exam grades ... lucky me

Me:" hi saja, i need to tell u something "

Saja:" i know, everyone in school is talking about ur umm thing ... umm haya's mom told haya, and we knew.. "

- why did she sound scared, my cancer won't eat her, but its saja, she terrified form everything -

Me:" how long have u knew "

Saja: " 1 week and a half ... "

- wow .. way to get concerned saja ..  -

Me:" and u didn't even think of calling me, texting me, faxing me maybe !!! "

- i got mad, very mad -

Saja: " look, we didn't want to be part of u problem ok! we don't know how to handle these things, u know us, hatha i5e9ich intay, e7na malna she8el "

- i was completely speechless, now i truly know the real meaning of fake people, how can someone be so heartless. i swear if i told her i had a boyfriend, or stole my dad's car shed be over the moon, if one of my "boyfriends" broke up with me she wouldn't stop with the fake talking, and "acting".
right now, i don't mind acting really, i just want someone to tell me I'm going to be ok, right now i want comforting, i feel neglected by my own fake friends -

Me: " hatha ily gedertay 3alay ? hatha gadrich ? .. "  (with a very calm, sturdy voice )

- i know everyone can hear, and i wanted them to -

Saja: " ... "

Me: " hatha mestawach 7ag refeeja? intaw nas ma 3endikom galb? .. ana asfa, asfa iny kent ib janebkom oo intaw mu kafo, wala asfa iny thaye3t muste8beli oo isneen min 3umri weyakom, hathi a5er mara ra7 tesm3une 9oty  3ashan ma aby athayegkom weyay ba3ad, asfa iny 5erebt yam3atkom "

and i closed the phone, why was i upsetting myself, why was i let down, inside of me knew this was gonna happen, inside of me new this was going to be their reaction, ..
 u don't know ur true friends until u really needed them.. except they weren't my true friends ... but i still needed someone ..
whatever ..  ma hestahlone another single breathe i take for them nor another thought i think of them.

------------

i looked at my suit cases on the floor, waiting to be carried out of the house and into the car.
i was leaving, going to a state in america, where they have this huge hospital for cancer patents, it has a good survival rate my dad said, but as "i" said, people survive because they were destined to, not the cure.

i went downstairs, all the nannies looking at me with sympathetic eyes, but i caught one smirking.. she was smirking ..
i went inside the car, not wanting to leave at all, not wanting to face the hardest thing in my life, not ready to do this. but i have to be strong, i have to face this or it will eat me up.

before i shut my phone i saw that i had a voice mail, it was from a number i recognized, but can't remember. as soon as i heard it, i thought my ears were lying to me ..

684XXXX : " hi fay, this is maya .. umm I'm not gonna take long, I'm sorry if its a bad time, i guess u'll listen to this later. .. anyways i wanted to tell u that I'm sorry for whats happened to u and hope u all the best. i know were not very close, but i know u well enough to know that u can fight this, u r better than this. mabe a6wel weyach but u have to know, u have a second chance to start over, I'm not saying u should take that chance, I'm saying u could. u may be something else on the outside, but deep inside ur fay, the super hero, the fighter, the hulk .. remember ? umm.. again I'm .. sorry  ... uumm yeah ... see u soon i guess .. u'll be ok fay, i promise ..  "

and that was it ...
she called, she sent a voice mail, maya, the girl i betrayed, that was a true friend, that was a person i called and still call my true hero, my survivor, and now ... now she calls me her hero, what?
maya I'm sorry, I'm so sorry .. i swear ill make it up to u, just wait .. I'm gonna be better for u ..
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hey guys, sorry i was late but i was busy with all the eid stuff and school stuff, soo this is chapter 5, sorry its kind of short, anyways hope u enjoy and please please please tell me what u think, again hope u like it .. xx

twitter >> @epiphanyblogger
ask >> www.ask.fm/epiphany88
               

Chapter 4

( Wednesday May 29 2011 8:45 pm )

"why fay why, what did i do? i was ur friend .. i was there for u .. and now ur getting what u deserve, u have to learn to change " maya said, she was wearing a yellow dress i bought for her on her 8th birthday, yes we were friends, best friends, but i left her, alone with no one to talk to, no one to complain to, no one to walk with her between classes. No one to hug, no one to have her back.. now i couldn't bring myself to look at her .. every time i see her in the hallway or at recess i look in the other direction, i dont want her to see me look at her neither do i want to see the disappointment in her face towards me, i don't want to feel guilty, which i am most of the time, ok, all the time. she stills tries to talk to me, i want her to hate me, and avoid me because
i don't want her tot talk to someone who's not worth it. and I'm not worth it, I'm not worth her sadness.

she was asking me why, and i don't have the answer to that. i really don't ..

i woke up on a hospital bed, head throbbing, and hands shaking thank god it was a dream..
i saw my mom and dad staring at me, eyes full of worry and scare. i saw my mom's eyes first, red eyes, she looked like she was crying. i moved to look at my dad his eyes indicated that he was crying as well. when i looked straight at who was in front of me, it was my sister, her hands covering her face, shoulders shaking, is she crying? .. she actually is .

me ( barely talking ) : " ish9ayer .. laish ana ehny "

- i was confused, i remebered that i fainted and everything went black, but i expected to be home by now -

Mom ( worried and sad ) : " 7abeebty, lazim insafer "

- she didn't know what to say, i think her head was messed up more than i was confused, what was she telling me? why would i travel at a time like this ?

Me: "laish ? "

Dad: " 7abeebty, intay lazim inkoneen 8weya hal cham youm, ildekatra sawaw cham ta7leel, oo ba3a'3hom kan fee shak, fa lazim iswoon ba3ad "

- what?! i have to stay here, whats wrong with me? -

Me (panicking ) : laish lazim aswe ta7aleel? feeni shay? oo laish lazim insafer?! redaw 3alay! "

- everyone looked at each other, it seems like they didn't know what to say, i don't blame them, they  look like they were as lost as i am -

Dad: " fay 7abeebti, e7na ma nedri, ma nedri, bes inhom galw lazim iswoon ta7aleel "

Me: " inzain laish omy galet lazim insafer ? "

Dad: " 7abeebti, itha ilta7aleel galw feech shay alla lay goola, lazim insafer 7ag 3eelajich .. "

- 3elaj, im sick, im sick .. -

Me: " feeni shay .. "

Mom: " la ya 3umri, ma nedri, oo inshalla ma feech ila il3afyia 7abeebti intay "

- and she kissed my forehead, at this point i just had to wait, just wait .. "

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Friday May 31, 2011 6:15 pm


Today was the day they gave me my results, i don't know why i stayed in the hospital, there wasn't any point, but it gave me a break from school, a break from everything actually. but in these 48 hrs or so i was worried sick, i new something was gonna happen to me, but this? -

my family were waiting in the room with me, more anxious than i was. suddenly the door opened and my heart sank every second the door opened wider.. oh God.
 the doctor came in and wanted to talk to my parents and sister, i mean I'm 14, i believe i am not stupid, i can understand 2 languages, and this thing they were talking about is about me, don't i deserve to know? ..

10 minutes of hell later, my family came in, face paler than the other.
i knew there was something wrong, other than the faces, i can feel it, it fact i have been feeling it for days ..

the doctor : " fay, we doctors like to explain things directly to people, ya3ny man lif oo indur "

- he was a kuwaiti doctor, he was young as well, he looked like he just came from medical school or something, he looked kind but strict. some people or doctors think if they "lif oo idur" things will be more understandable, but not for me. if u do that i just worry more, getting straight to the point is much better than having 5 minutes of ur life wasted by unnecessary chatter -

Me: " okk "

Doctor: " fay, ana dictor nasser oo ana ily 5athate ta7aleelich oo fa7a9thom "

Me: " inzain, shnu 6ela3 "

Doctor: " ilta7aleel bayeno in a fee warma ib rasich, oo mu i9gheera, oo a7sen law te3alejtay bara lkuwait, il warma ( blah blah blah )

- i felt like i didn't function after what he had said, i felt the imaginary glass walls around me that have been shielding me had shattered and got plunged into my heart, he did not just say that i have a cancerous tumor inside my head. where is this all coming from,  i felt overwhelmed by everything, i didn't cry,  i didn't move. i just stared at the doctor while he was explaining stuff i don't have the interest in listening to right now. i just stated and stared, i felt like i was in a science class .. -

Me:" laish 9ar feeni chethi ? "

- what type of question is that fay?!?! how the hell is he suppose to know! this is all God's plan, i knew it, thats why half of me wasn't surprised, but the other half, i think its numb for now, yeah, numb. brain cancer .. hmm, brain cancer .. -

Doctor: " madre fay, these things happen to people, i don't know why. some people get it from issues in they're bodies, some psychological issues, but in ur condition, i don't know "

- don't know .. the doctor doesn't know .. -

Me: " don't know "

Doctor: " if i new i would be a billionaire by now fay, i don't know why things happen to good people, it just does, if i feel bad for every person that walks in here, i won't make it through the rest of the day, or life, this is my job "

- and this is where i explode -

Me: " I DIDNT TELL U TO FEEL BAD FOR ME!! I ASKED U WHY OR HOW THIS HAPPENED TO ME!! I WANT TO KNWO IF I MIGHT DIE TOMORROW ! IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT, I HAVE A TUMOR IN MY HEAD AND U WANT ME TO BE OK WITH THAT?!

- everything i said was mixed up, i didn't know what i was saying, i was telling him to not feel bad for me, but I'm also telling him that I'm not ok. i just feel lost
i knew i was screaming, i just can't help it, it just sank in, i just realized I'm sick. the doctor said he doesn't know why these things happen to good people, but I'm not good, I'm a bad person, i deserve this, and I'm gonna get what i deserve, i don't care what it is -

Doctor: fay calm down, its ok, everything has a cure, ur gonna be ok if u have a little faith and hope, the only thing u have to do now is stay strong, maybe this is a lesson.. everything has its ups and downs.. "

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 Yes, everything does have its ups and downs, i just don't remember the ups i had these couple of years, i just hope to God this is gonna end up bringing out the good in me, at this point i just don't know whats going on, everything is so messed up in my head, i don't know how to function, i don't know if i have to cry or scream or just keep quite and hope for the best. this is all too much.

i was in my room 2 days ago pretending to be someone I'm not, now I'm laying  here on a hospital bed. i don't know what tomorrow will hold for me, is there another surprise or another ordinary day, maybe this is all a dream, scaring me to death.. or maybe i just wish its a dream.

Allah kareem ..


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Hey guys! i know its kinda short next post inshalla is gonna be longer

oh and 3eedkon embark mu8adaman , 3asakom min 3wada

enjoy and please tell me what u think, comment, or ask in my ask account >> www.ask.fm/epiphany88

                             - epiphany xx

Chapter 3

( Wednesday May 29, 2011 2:45 pm )

i sat in the car on my way home from school, thinking of every single fake smile, or disgusted look i painted on my face today when i looked at someone. feeling pity for myself that i was this type of person. the type of person that can ruin ur whole day just by one glance, the person i promised myself i wouldn't be, i was a person who ruins peoples moods and days, i was the type of person people want to take revenge from, i know this because i wanted to do the same thing to some (bullies) i knew when i was younger, now im one of them ..

As i made my way through our house's front door, i saw my mom and sis taking off probably going to some restaurant or a spa day. my dad was at work of course, so i was on my own.

i went to my room told my nanny (lenda) to prepare some lunch for me while texting Haya.

Haya:" ha whats ur lunch?"

- (-.-) -

Me:" salad"

Haya:" Salad! r u serious?! we planned on doing a liquid diet together remember  >:( "

- liquid diet .. yeah right, not planning on doing that stupid idea -

Me:" yeah well salad is mostly water, so technically I'm "eating" water "

Haya:" ohhhh ok :) "

- typical Haya, i think if i told her id jump off a bridge shed believe me .. -

i ended the chat, went downstairs, ate my pasta, and took a hot bath.

i started on my homework, checking my phone every once in a while.. then Jazi started texting me like crazy ..

Jazi:" UBAY UBAY FAY! Aboodi shefta ikelim ibneya ib starbucks ilyoum !!!! "

- "Aboodi" is one of Jazi's boyfriends, one of many. i know she was stalking him, I'm sure the poor guy wanted some coffee, and the girl he was talking was probably one of the filipino ladies working there  -

Me:" how do u know he was taking to a girl, or that he was in starbucks? "

- i know the answer, but i wanted to hear what she had to say -

Jazi (3 min later) :" my friend was at starbucks and she told me "

- lies, lies, lies. but who am i to talk.. she just said "i saw him" , why the stupid answer... but its her life, who am i to judge -

Saja:" so, hows 3aziz?"

- yes 3aziz was my boyfriend, my fake boyfriend. i know what I'm doing was wrong, both ways. i don't have boyfriend - girlfriend stuff, I'm not saying that all of it is wrong, itha neyatkom 9afya fine do it, its ur life. but most people i know just do it for fun, not taking it seriously at all, and for me personally, i dont think its fun if the whole relationship is based with lies and doubt, a true relationship is based on patents, honesty and love.. -

Me:" hes ok, he .. um came over today .. "

- lie after lie after lie .. -

Jazi: " fay, i didn't want to tell u this but i saw him today at the jam3yia, fay i think he was talking to some girl and .. " (blah blah blah.. )

- do u even know how i showed them my so called boyfriend? of course u don't, I don't even remember myself .. i think i showed them a pic i took from google, and then made him a fake twitter or Facebook or something .. but, Jazi always remembers, every single detail, how we had our imaginary encounter, to our fake date .. i know beyond annoying, actually thats an understatement .. 

Me: " oh ill talk to him, I'm sure its his sister or cuzin "


i ended the chat, i was surprisingly tired, either tired from exhaustion, or tired of all the lies I've been telling, or both. every lie that came out of me just makes me feel disgusted with myself, i don't care who I'm telling it to, its a lie, its wrong. yet, everything I'm doing lately is wrong ..

when i stood up from my chair, i felt dizzy all of a sudden, everything was turing.. when it stopped, everything was smeared together, i also felt my insides boiling all of a sudden as well, like i had a fever. i felt nauseous and heavy headed. i tried calling someone, i don't know what i said, i don't think i even said anything, i just thought i was. i stood there unbalanced, then out of now where i fell in this big black whole underneath me, falling and falling to god knows where .. probably hell ..

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And thats the 3rd chapter everyone! hope u enjoy it and please please try to comment, i love feedback as i said before, and i really appreciate all the support I've been having .. any questions u can ask on my twitter or my ask account >> www.ask.fm/epiphany88

again, enjoy and tell me what u think ;**

                    - epiphany

Chapter 2

Hello guys, well this is my second chapter and i wanted to thank u for all the support and for all the readers... So enjoys ;*

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U know when u want to believe in something thats not true.. Something about urself that u know u hate or when u don't agree with ur OWN actions but thinks its ok, yea, thats what i feel. all my life i have criticized people by their clothing, style, looks, family .. almost everybody thats not me ..
im not this popular girl everyone hates, I'm this popular girl who everyone should hate.
if those people knew what i say behind their backs, they will more than hate me, and I'm sure of it.
i always ask myself why i do that to people, but at the same time, i think to myself if they say the same negative things behind my back.. if they say that I'm a spoiled brat, and that I'm a self-centered b*tch. well, i don't blame them if they do, because its true.

i always believe that society made us that way, differentiating people, making them into groups.
you know, i care, i don't like talking to people behind their backs, but my friends do it, everybody does, why don't i? why would i hang out with people i was taught to look down to, my parents never taught me to do these kinds of things, i taught myself. Im the one who chose my actions, I'm old enough to know whats right and whats wrong, i just choose not to know.

_______________________

- Wednesday May 29, 2011 6:30 -

I heard footsteps on the other side of my room, seconds later i heard the door open and i knew it was my nanny wanting to wake me up for school. without even bothering for her to wake me up, i stood up and went to the bathroom, on my way i commanded my nanny to make me breakfast rudely, not a single thank u came out of my mouth, and she obeyed as usual.
i went to brush my teeth, took a shower, wore my uniform, and wore my cartier bracelet and earrings. i tied my hair, wore a little eyeliner to lighten my hazel eyes even more.
i went down stairs, and sat at the table with my family is silence.
my father tried to lighten the mood by cracking a few jokes, but other than my mom, no one showed any emotion. my sister ignore me and wasn't talking to me from the week old fight we had, i didn't care, i didnt want to talk to her as well.
u see my sister and i don't have the normal sisterly relationship. i mean she's my sister, but i would never say that i love her, that word doesn't come out my mouth, i feel like my tongue couldn't move every time they ask if i like my sister. she doesnt love me, thats what i feel, she doesn't give me any indication that she loves me, so why bother. i don't remember the last time we hugged... maybe never even. she's older than me in 9 years, and according to my father its "3aib" to disrespect her, also if she disrespects me. so i can't say anything to her, every negative comment she says to me i have to ignore, and then in the end i blow up, and we end up not talking to each other, so normal.

my parents, well they're parents. i love them to death, i just wish they see that. my mom is a house wife, she has a good heart, but hot-headed and easily annoyed, my dad well he's the joker, he wants everything to go smoothly, he hates drama, trys to get away from it too. when my sister and i fight he just doesn't do anything, to him its normal, every siblings fight. and i agree with him, i just want him to understand that our fights r all unnecessary and she just wants to fight, for the sake of fighting. but i just brush it off.

As we were eating :

My dad (to me) : "ha fay meta medristich it3a6el?"

Me:" june 10"

My mom: " ee ma buga shay inshalla :) "

Me:" ee "

My sister (Sarah) : " ee ma 9adigat 3al allah 5ale9et, 5an shoof ilshahada cham yayeba hal mara" she said it so coldly ..

yes, my sister is my mom, people say "it5af 3alay" oo she wants the best for me oo madre shnu, but all i want from her is a little sister love, something that shows me she's my sister. i haven't seen that yet, i sometime blame her for my rude behavior and self-centered attitude in school, and to people in general.

i ignored her comment and finished my breakfast, so i excused myself and headed for the door with my bag.
i listened to my iPod while texting my friends in the car, i picked up my friend form her house and we were off.  i thought about my sister on the way, why can't i get her off my mind, i tell people i don't care about my sister's behavior toward me, but i do. when my sister says something nice to me, just once out of 100 days, i just get ecstatic, but one bad comment out of her mouth just shuts me down.. my mom says she wants me to be better than her in the future, not make the mistakes that she did.
my sister, well she was kind of bullied by her weight from 9th to 11th grade, and when she got thin in 12 and got popular, she forgot everything that was important. one mistake ruined her whole future, and she doesn't want me to end up like her.
 It was the last year of high school, and so far my sister had the highest grades from all the students, she was an overachiever. But her popularity got the best of her and she was encouraged by some stupid students to steal the exam papers since she worked at the principals office sometimes because she was class president. unfortunately, she got caught, her valedictorian position was taken away, and her scholarship was taken away as well. she went to a normal college in kuwait, studying her butt off so she can be able to transfer to another college soon ....

i got out of the car when we reached the school and was heading to the gate. u see, i have 3 close friends. Saja the tall, beautiful class president type. Haya the bubbly, air-head. Jazi the two-faced, problem-maker type.  i know "5osh" friends ha.. in here u don't know who's fake or not, who trust-worthy or not, thats why i taught myself to never, ever trust anyone, especially my ma9la7a friends.

my friends aren't actually friends, they are accessories, i know ull think that this is like some chick-flick movie, but its not. they r the type of friends that well ..  r not friends, lets just keep it that way.
to tell u the truth i don't know how i got this way or how i became the person i am now, being mean and disrespectful, yet respected, it just happened to me, i was so lost that i made all the wrong decisions and now i can't go back, i know its not fair to the people around me, trust me i know. unfortunately, i make mistakes but i don't seem to learn from them.

as we were gossiping about some rumor i know thats not true, and as i watched haya say it to almost everybody around us, i saw some girl in my class called Maya come towards me.

Maya:" hi fay, ur headband 7lu min wain? "

Me: "adree, oo ome yabetly the headband, madre min wain" i said coldly, face emotionless.

Maya:" oh ok, thanks"

i heard Jazi whisper "zain sawaitay" when she left, and i smiled at her and winked ...

i know exactly where my headband was being sold, and i know i should've thanked her. but i just couldn't, I'm use to the mean, self-centered person i wasn't born to be, guilt and shame went threw my veins as i made my way to my class, but i can't do anything about it, because i know i won't ...

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so heres the second chapter guys!!! hope u enjoy it! and please please comment, i really love all the support and feedback. and if u have any questions please don't be afraid to ask  >> www.ask.fm/epiphany88

Chapter 1

This story is not just to help people understand that anything can happen in a blink of an eye, this story also makes me understand that concept, while writing i surprise myself by what I'm thinking and what I'm typing down.
i want all of u to read this story the way u want to read it, stories r meant to be written this way, thats why they're actually written, for u to imagine everything, so u can make out the characters the way u want them to be.
this story has happiness, sadness, change and most of all maturity.

i hope all of u enjoy the story that I'm writing as much as i am excited about writing it for u.
this story is "inspired" by some things i have seen and experienced, this story is not about me, i will explain after i finish it, but for now keep in mind it is fictional ...

well, thats it for me, again i hope this reaches ur expectations, and please tell me what u think on twitter, ask and comment on the blog as well.

thank u
    xoxo epiphany


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I feel society is taking over peoples minds, i think people forgot to have their own opinions on what they like or dislike. a lot of people talk about society, and how they want to change it, and how they don't care about it, but thats when they forget that they are part of it.

I am part of my society, and I'm a person that has been washed by beliefs i don't agree on, washed by facts and opinions i don't agree on, but i don't have a say in anything.. no one has, because everyone is part of it, everyone wether they like it or not. Everyone is fooling each other in this world.
People choose to believe things that are not true because they want to fit in, but think about other societies, they're is a diversity of societies out there and i am positive people struggle to fit in them.
But its something people get use to, its not something u can't get away from ...

i am an average 14 year old girl, i don't have anything in this world except for family, friends and my mobile. my number one priority in this world is school, thats it.
i live in a very sophisticated society, and a very sophisticated family.
i don't remember the last time i said i needed something, il7emdilla im ok. our family is wealthy, but where're "metwath3een". My family consists of my dad, my mom, my 23 year old sister and I.
one big happy family ...
well , where're ok.

My daily routine is waking up everyday to the sound of my nanny telling me its time to get ready for school then, breakfast, school, home, lunch, homework, dinner, tv and ends with bed. day is done.
i know I'm boring, but seriously what do u want me to do? i am not an avenues girl, i am not a-happy-go-lucking girl. i am a moody teenager that doesn't know what to do in this world, i ask myself everyday if its possible that there is a girl out there just like me. not knowing what to do with her life.
i know one day something is gonna happen, i just feel it.
something huge is gonna happen to me, and its gonna change me. i hope it does, because i am getting sick of myself. . .

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Sorry for the short post guys, but its almost 9 am and i haven't slept, i need energy, so i may post late at night. i know this is not very interesting but i swear its gonna get better, i promise. 

thanks for reading, and don't forget to comment!!! thanks :***

Quick Note

I am sooo sorry for everyone that read and enjoyed my blog, but i had to delete it for personal reasons ( i got caught) but i wont stop writing!
I love writing, i dont care what people think, writing is to express ur inner feelings, it can open ur emagination to levels U cant even think of .. So im sorry for the people that think certain subjects r "inappropriate" or "not age - appropriat", writng doesnt have limits, as long as u can read and write, u do not have limits. ur the one who chooses if its appropriate or not, ur the one who controls ur eyes and mind from things u can or cant read.
the BEST thing about writing is that u dont see it, ur the one who imagines the characters, the events, the scenes. EVERYTHING. ur the one who chooses what to believe, and what to imagine, no one else.

U have no idea how good it is to write freely and anonymously, no one knowing you, know one judging you, just opening the blog and reading it and enjoying it, i wont give that up for anything, again i wont stop writing.

So again im thinking of starting something else, sorry for the short notice, and i hope ull like my next blog ;*

thanks for understanding ,
       - epiphany