( Wednesday May 29 2011 8:45 pm )
"why fay why, what did i do? i was ur friend .. i was there for u .. and now ur getting what u deserve, u have to learn to change " maya said, she was wearing a yellow dress i bought for her on her 8th birthday, yes we were friends, best friends, but i left her, alone with no one to talk to, no one to complain to, no one to walk with her between classes. No one to hug, no one to have her back.. now i couldn't bring myself to look at her .. every time i see her in the hallway or at recess i look in the other direction, i dont want her to see me look at her neither do i want to see the disappointment in her face towards me, i don't want to feel guilty, which i am most of the time, ok, all the time. she stills tries to talk to me, i want her to hate me, and avoid me because
i don't want her tot talk to someone who's not worth it. and I'm not worth it, I'm not worth her sadness.
she was asking me why, and i don't have the answer to that. i really don't ..
i woke up on a hospital bed, head throbbing, and hands shaking thank god it was a dream..
i saw my mom and dad staring at me, eyes full of worry and scare. i saw my mom's eyes first, red eyes, she looked like she was crying. i moved to look at my dad his eyes indicated that he was crying as well. when i looked straight at who was in front of me, it was my sister, her hands covering her face, shoulders shaking, is she crying? .. she actually is .
me ( barely talking ) : " ish9ayer .. laish ana ehny "
- i was confused, i remebered that i fainted and everything went black, but i expected to be home by now -
Mom ( worried and sad ) : " 7abeebty, lazim insafer "
- she didn't know what to say, i think her head was messed up more than i was confused, what was she telling me? why would i travel at a time like this ?
Me: "laish ? "
Dad: " 7abeebty, intay lazim inkoneen 8weya hal cham youm, ildekatra sawaw cham ta7leel, oo ba3a'3hom kan fee shak, fa lazim iswoon ba3ad "
- what?! i have to stay here, whats wrong with me? -
Me (panicking ) : laish lazim aswe ta7aleel? feeni shay? oo laish lazim insafer?! redaw 3alay! "
- everyone looked at each other, it seems like they didn't know what to say, i don't blame them, they look like they were as lost as i am -
Dad: " fay 7abeebti, e7na ma nedri, ma nedri, bes inhom galw lazim iswoon ta7aleel "
Me: " inzain laish omy galet lazim insafer ? "
Dad: " 7abeebti, itha ilta7aleel galw feech shay alla lay goola, lazim insafer 7ag 3eelajich .. "
- 3elaj, im sick, im sick .. -
Me: " feeni shay .. "
Mom: " la ya 3umri, ma nedri, oo inshalla ma feech ila il3afyia 7abeebti intay "
- and she kissed my forehead, at this point i just had to wait, just wait .. "
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Friday May 31, 2011 6:15 pm
Today was the day they gave me my results, i don't know why i stayed in the hospital, there wasn't any point, but it gave me a break from school, a break from everything actually. but in these 48 hrs or so i was worried sick, i new something was gonna happen to me, but this? -
my family were waiting in the room with me, more anxious than i was. suddenly the door opened and my heart sank every second the door opened wider.. oh God.
the doctor came in and wanted to talk to my parents and sister, i mean I'm 14, i believe i am not stupid, i can understand 2 languages, and this thing they were talking about is about me, don't i deserve to know? ..
10 minutes of hell later, my family came in, face paler than the other.
i knew there was something wrong, other than the faces, i can feel it, it fact i have been feeling it for days ..
the doctor : " fay, we doctors like to explain things directly to people, ya3ny man lif oo indur "
- he was a kuwaiti doctor, he was young as well, he looked like he just came from medical school or something, he looked kind but strict. some people or doctors think if they "lif oo idur" things will be more understandable, but not for me. if u do that i just worry more, getting straight to the point is much better than having 5 minutes of ur life wasted by unnecessary chatter -
Me: " okk "
Doctor: " fay, ana dictor nasser oo ana ily 5athate ta7aleelich oo fa7a9thom "
Me: " inzain, shnu 6ela3 "
Doctor: " ilta7aleel bayeno in a fee warma ib rasich, oo mu i9gheera, oo a7sen law te3alejtay bara lkuwait, il warma ( blah blah blah )
- i felt like i didn't function after what he had said, i felt the imaginary glass walls around me that have been shielding me had shattered and got plunged into my heart, he did not just say that i have a cancerous tumor inside my head. where is this all coming from, i felt overwhelmed by everything, i didn't cry, i didn't move. i just stared at the doctor while he was explaining stuff i don't have the interest in listening to right now. i just stated and stared, i felt like i was in a science class .. -
Me:" laish 9ar feeni chethi ? "
- what type of question is that fay?!?! how the hell is he suppose to know! this is all God's plan, i knew it, thats why half of me wasn't surprised, but the other half, i think its numb for now, yeah, numb. brain cancer .. hmm, brain cancer .. -
Doctor: " madre fay, these things happen to people, i don't know why. some people get it from issues in they're bodies, some psychological issues, but in ur condition, i don't know "
- don't know .. the doctor doesn't know .. -
Me: " don't know "
Doctor: " if i new i would be a billionaire by now fay, i don't know why things happen to good people, it just does, if i feel bad for every person that walks in here, i won't make it through the rest of the day, or life, this is my job "
- and this is where i explode -
Me: " I DIDNT TELL U TO FEEL BAD FOR ME!! I ASKED U WHY OR HOW THIS HAPPENED TO ME!! I WANT TO KNWO IF I MIGHT DIE TOMORROW ! IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT, I HAVE A TUMOR IN MY HEAD AND U WANT ME TO BE OK WITH THAT?!
- everything i said was mixed up, i didn't know what i was saying, i was telling him to not feel bad for me, but I'm also telling him that I'm not ok. i just feel lost
i knew i was screaming, i just can't help it, it just sank in, i just realized I'm sick. the doctor said he doesn't know why these things happen to good people, but I'm not good, I'm a bad person, i deserve this, and I'm gonna get what i deserve, i don't care what it is -
Doctor: fay calm down, its ok, everything has a cure, ur gonna be ok if u have a little faith and hope, the only thing u have to do now is stay strong, maybe this is a lesson.. everything has its ups and downs.. "
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Yes, everything does have its ups and downs, i just don't remember the ups i had these couple of years, i just hope to God this is gonna end up bringing out the good in me, at this point i just don't know whats going on, everything is so messed up in my head, i don't know how to function, i don't know if i have to cry or scream or just keep quite and hope for the best. this is all too much.
i was in my room 2 days ago pretending to be someone I'm not, now I'm laying here on a hospital bed. i don't know what tomorrow will hold for me, is there another surprise or another ordinary day, maybe this is all a dream, scaring me to death.. or maybe i just wish its a dream.
Allah kareem ..
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Hey guys! i know its kinda short next post inshalla is gonna be longer
oh and 3eedkon embark mu8adaman , 3asakom min 3wada
enjoy and please tell me what u think, comment, or ask in my ask account >> www.ask.fm/epiphany88
- epiphany xx
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