Chapter 5

Wednesday june 12, 2011

half of my body is still numb from the news, its been 2 weeks since i found out and it still didn't sink in completely.
my mom called all my relatives and close ones to tell them the news after i told her not to, i don't want people to know i have cancer, why the sadness. they probably have enough to worry about, plus i think they don't have any business knowing these things. but my mother insisted that we should spread the news for them to "pray" for me and let them know why we may be gone for a while. the other reason i don't want them to know is because they're gonna make a big fuss, i don't want to here "ur gonna be ok"  "its gonna be fine" or " ur so young! ", which i heard and still hear all the time, .. they say these things like they know .. i don't mind people saying that I'm gonna be ok, i mind people when they say it and they don't mean it. they say it like I'm gonna die, like its the end of the world...
i had to answer the same questions 500 times... my age, what type of cancer i have, blah blah .. they also ask my family to make sure all they're "info" was correct, nosy people ..

u see i just figured it out, when these types of things happen to people, it doesn't only happen to the person who has it, it also happens to the people around him or her who care, like family. this "thing" is affecting my whole family. my sister is acting "weird" somewhat "nice" to me. my dad stopped going to the office and stopped attending meetings to stay with me, my mom is just worried sick, i never saw this shaken.
this is all new to me, i don't know how to handle it. its like my whole life is just spiraled into something completely different, its getting crazier by the minute.
i sometimes feel sick inside, not only knowing that i have cancer, but not knowing i had it for a while as well, or that it happen this fast. certain things happen to people without them knowing it. anything can happen in a blink of an eye. 2 week ago the minute before i fainted i was going to lay on my bed, read a book, i didn't know i was going to faint, i didn't know this was going to happen to me at all. this just ... surprised me.
these things that I'm saying to myself r nothing compared to the thoughts that r scrambled inside my head. I'm reaching a point where i don't know what I'm thinking or where my thoughts will take me , sometimes i feel empty but full ... tired but still awake... and  alive but feeling dead.


Believe it or not i called my so called "friends", expecting some sympathy from them, expecting them to make me forget about my troubles for a while, but no, they're just a bunch of low-life egotistical, self-centered b*tches ..

i called saja's mobile, i knew they were all at her house, it was exam week and she always tutors them, except me, i don't like her teaching habits, plus my school thought i was going to die so they made me skip exams, and gave me my final report card without my exam grades ... lucky me

Me:" hi saja, i need to tell u something "

Saja:" i know, everyone in school is talking about ur umm thing ... umm haya's mom told haya, and we knew.. "

- why did she sound scared, my cancer won't eat her, but its saja, she terrified form everything -

Me:" how long have u knew "

Saja: " 1 week and a half ... "

- wow .. way to get concerned saja ..  -

Me:" and u didn't even think of calling me, texting me, faxing me maybe !!! "

- i got mad, very mad -

Saja: " look, we didn't want to be part of u problem ok! we don't know how to handle these things, u know us, hatha i5e9ich intay, e7na malna she8el "

- i was completely speechless, now i truly know the real meaning of fake people, how can someone be so heartless. i swear if i told her i had a boyfriend, or stole my dad's car shed be over the moon, if one of my "boyfriends" broke up with me she wouldn't stop with the fake talking, and "acting".
right now, i don't mind acting really, i just want someone to tell me I'm going to be ok, right now i want comforting, i feel neglected by my own fake friends -

Me: " hatha ily gedertay 3alay ? hatha gadrich ? .. "  (with a very calm, sturdy voice )

- i know everyone can hear, and i wanted them to -

Saja: " ... "

Me: " hatha mestawach 7ag refeeja? intaw nas ma 3endikom galb? .. ana asfa, asfa iny kent ib janebkom oo intaw mu kafo, wala asfa iny thaye3t muste8beli oo isneen min 3umri weyakom, hathi a5er mara ra7 tesm3une 9oty  3ashan ma aby athayegkom weyay ba3ad, asfa iny 5erebt yam3atkom "

and i closed the phone, why was i upsetting myself, why was i let down, inside of me knew this was gonna happen, inside of me new this was going to be their reaction, ..
 u don't know ur true friends until u really needed them.. except they weren't my true friends ... but i still needed someone ..
whatever ..  ma hestahlone another single breathe i take for them nor another thought i think of them.

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i looked at my suit cases on the floor, waiting to be carried out of the house and into the car.
i was leaving, going to a state in america, where they have this huge hospital for cancer patents, it has a good survival rate my dad said, but as "i" said, people survive because they were destined to, not the cure.

i went downstairs, all the nannies looking at me with sympathetic eyes, but i caught one smirking.. she was smirking ..
i went inside the car, not wanting to leave at all, not wanting to face the hardest thing in my life, not ready to do this. but i have to be strong, i have to face this or it will eat me up.

before i shut my phone i saw that i had a voice mail, it was from a number i recognized, but can't remember. as soon as i heard it, i thought my ears were lying to me ..

684XXXX : " hi fay, this is maya .. umm I'm not gonna take long, I'm sorry if its a bad time, i guess u'll listen to this later. .. anyways i wanted to tell u that I'm sorry for whats happened to u and hope u all the best. i know were not very close, but i know u well enough to know that u can fight this, u r better than this. mabe a6wel weyach but u have to know, u have a second chance to start over, I'm not saying u should take that chance, I'm saying u could. u may be something else on the outside, but deep inside ur fay, the super hero, the fighter, the hulk .. remember ? umm.. again I'm .. sorry  ... uumm yeah ... see u soon i guess .. u'll be ok fay, i promise ..  "

and that was it ...
she called, she sent a voice mail, maya, the girl i betrayed, that was a true friend, that was a person i called and still call my true hero, my survivor, and now ... now she calls me her hero, what?
maya I'm sorry, I'm so sorry .. i swear ill make it up to u, just wait .. I'm gonna be better for u ..
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hey guys, sorry i was late but i was busy with all the eid stuff and school stuff, soo this is chapter 5, sorry its kind of short, anyways hope u enjoy and please please please tell me what u think, again hope u like it .. xx

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